Relax, sit down, time for some TV. Switch on, flip through the channels. What’s this? Undercover Boss? Let’s take a look . .
ANNOUNCER: this week on Undercover Boss, Steve Higgins, CEO of Stevehigginslive.com goes undercover to find out what life is like at Stevehigginslive.com!
Cut to Steve Higgins. CU
STEVE: I’m a Manchester man, originally from Wythenshawe, a council estate to the south of the city and since creating Stevehigginslive.com I’ve never looked back. Yes, I’m looking forward to doing this.
ANNOUNCER: For this ‘sting’ Steve will be disguised by our team of top stylists so he will be completely unrecognisable.
DAY 1: INTERIOR: STEVE HIGGINS TOWER.
STEVE:: Hi, I’m Ste -I mean Joe. I’m meant to be meeting Gaynor. I’ll be working with her today.
MIKE: She’s probably running late. She usually is. Why don’t you make a brew while you are waiting?
TEN MINUTES LATER:
GAYNOR: Oh my God, I’m so late. I can’t believe it. Traffic was so bad today and parking is a nightmare. Some companies provide free parking but not this one. Hey what’s with the TV cameras?
STEVE: It’s a documentary about social media. Just ignore them. I’m the new guy, Joe. So what are we doing today?
GAYNOR: Well, I work in the blog titling and numbering department. Mr Higgins writes his blog posts and he probably thinks that’s that! But anyway, here in Blog Titling we have to give it a title and a number.
STEVE: Yes, Mike was telling me about the incident the other week when one of the blogs was numbered incorrectly.
GAYNOR: Oh he did, did he? Well blog titling isn’t so easy, as Mike will find out if he ever gets a promotion and gets the chance to work in this department!
STEVE: What was the problem with that post? Don’t you just give it a number?
GAYNOR: Sounds so easy doesn’t it? Well what with the old software we use its hard work believe me! Not only that, we’ve got Thoughts from a Sun Lounger, we’ve got Sun Lounger Thoughts and we’ve got Sun Lounger French Thoughts and so answer me this: You get another Sun Lounger Thoughts post, is that Sun Lounger 4, or 5, or is it Thoughts from a Sun Lounger 3? Is it Thoughts from a French Sun Lounger? Are they different or are they the same? How do we know how many sun loungers have gone before?
STEVE: Can’t you just check WordPress?
GAYNOR: Check WordPress he says! So easy. What if you have been locked out and haven’t got a password?
STEVE: Don’t you just press the I forgot my password button and they send you a re-set link to your e-mail?
GAYNOR: You’re so smart Joe but what if you’ve been locked out of your emails? Answer me that Joe? Anyway, don’t bother. It’s time for a tea break.
STEVE: But haven’t we just got started?
GAYNOR Listen Joe, you need to chill a little. Here at Stevehigginslive.com it’s a high pressure environment. A girl needs a break!
STEVE: Yes but . .
GAYNOR: Don’t ‘yes but’ me dude! Did you have to get up early, drop the kids off at school, drop off the eldest at university, check that your elderly mama is OK then get here to work? All in a knackered old Ford Fiesta and God only knows how I’m going to pay those uni fees for my boy!
STEVE: Wow, that must be hard.
GAYNOR: Don’t get me wrong, I love this job. Being part of Stevehigginslive is great but I have to look out for my family, especially as my husband left me last year for a younger version!
Steve: Hey that’s terrible. Can I give you a hug. I’m really empathising with you now.
ROGER: Hi, I’m Roger.
STEVE: Hi I’m Ste- I mean Joe.
ROGER: Welcome to the team.
STEVE: OK, what are we doing today?
ROGER: OK, we work in the imaging and visual department. The blogs come down to us direct from Mr Higgins and he says Roger, get some images pasted into that blog. ‘Get some Images!’ Can you believe that? Like it’s so easy?
STEVE: So, it’s not easy?
ROGER: Its hard work man! First of all, Steve, Mr Higgins, wants us to use all his own pictures. Well that’s OK up to a point but sometimes I’ve got to be creative.
STEVE How do you mean?
ROGER: OK, take the other week. There was a video about Manchester and in the narration, Steve says something about beautiful women and we’re supposed to find a picture to go with it.
STEVE: Right . .
ROGER: So what I did was this. A few weeks back we had a post about these Russian women who send out e-mails wanting love and relationships and all that. They’re actually scammers but they try to entice men into their scam by sending pictures of sexy women, supposedly themselves. So I had to use one of those. What else could I have done?
STEVE: You could have used a photo stock company something like Shutterstock or Unsplash.
ROGER: Maybe, maybe. What would be good here at Steve Higgins Tower is to have a whole photography studio with cameras, lighting and so on and Steve could call up and say ‘Roger my man’ -he calls me that sometimes- ‘Roger, sort out some top models and do me a photo session with some gorgeous girls.’ Now wouldn’t that be easier?
STEVE: I still think maybe a photo stock website would be easier.
ROGER: Just imagine this, a full studio set up. Steve wants some pictures of naked girls-
STEVE: Naked girls? Would he ask for naked girls?
ROGER: Well, he could do. He might do, not perhaps totally naked but you know, lingerie shots, that sort of thing . .
STEVE: I don’t think he would want that. It’s not that sort of blog, just stuff about books and it’s generally funny, humorous stuff.
ROGER: Hey, there are some serious issues in Steve’s blogs you know, like the naked Russian girls.
STEVE: Naked Russian girls? You know, I read that post and it wasn’t about naked Russian girls.
ROGER: Joe, you are never going to get on here. Know why? cause you’ve got no imagination!
DAY 3: STEVE FINALLY REVEALS HIS REAL IDENTITY.
ANNOUNCER: CEO Steve Higgins is about to reveal to two employees who have no idea who he is, his real identity as their boss.
STEVE: Recognise me, Gaynor?
Gaynor: I’m not sure. You voice sounds familiar, are you Joe? Oh No. My God! It’s Steve Higgins!
STEVE: That’s right it’s me. So tell me, how did Joe do?
GAYNOR: Well, he was OK, I mean you were OK. I just don’t think he, I mean you, have any idea of how hard we work here. Creating blog titles and numbers is hard work and the equipment, well the software just isn’t up to it!
STEVE: Gaynor, I could see that and from now on I’m going to get you a WordPress password and make sure your e-mail system is unlocked and not only that . .
STEVE: I can’t have you doing that journey every morning dropping off the kids and your eldest in that old banger car of yours. I’m going to get you a new Mitsubishi 4×4 to make that journey easier!
GAYNOR; Oh my God!
STEVE: Not only that, I’m going to pay for all your son’s university fees and give you £5,000 to take your family on holiday!
GAYNOR: Oh my God! I can’t believe it! I’m so happy. I can’t wait to tell my children! Are you serious?
STEVE: Actually, I’m joking. Being serious though, Gaynor, I think you needed to raise your game a little if you want to stay with Stevehigginslive.com!
CUT TO ROGER.
STEVE: Any idea who I am?
ROGER: Steve Higgins?
STEVE: You guessed?
ROGER: No, I just heard Gaynor screeching on her way out. You really had me fooled man.
STEVE: Roger, I really appreciate all the work you do for me so I’m getting you a brand new digital camera to help with some imaging and I’m going to get you unlimited access to adobe Photoshop.
ROGER: OK . .
STEVE: How do you feel about that?
ROGER: Well a studio and some beautiful girls would be nice . .
STEVE: What if got you access to a stock photo company?
ROGER: Steve, just think what we could do with a studio and some beautiful naked girls. We wouldn’t need a stock photo company!
STEVE: Did you say naked girls?
ROGER: Well, not necessarily naked, well not fully naked.
STEVE: Roger, I just don’t think you get the overall profile of Stevehigginslive.com, it’s books, films, humour, not naked women.
ROGER: Right, look Steve, I’ve seen Undercover Boss and the boss usually gives the employees £5000 and a new car or a free holiday to Barbados. Now, you’re offering me Photoshop access? Is that fair to you Steve? Tell you what, stuff your job, I quit and guess what?
ROGER: Your blog stinks!
ANNOUNCER: Well Steve. How did things go for you? Was working for SteveHigginslive.com all you though it would be?
STEVE: Well, you know I’m not sure it was. I’m starting to wonder, maybe I could add the pictures myself, and add the blog titles and stuff. I think I need to go back to basics. Get rid of this whole corporate thing, the Tower, the big cars, the Ferraris. Get rid of the whole lot, get my Renault Megane back and go back to sitting in the spare room at home and doing it all myself on my laptop.
ANNOUNCER: What are we talking then Steve? Full closure? Redundancy packages?
STEVE: Yes, of course! Actually, no. I’m just closing the place down!
GAYNOR: What about my Mitsubishi?
STEVE: Forget it! You couldn’t even add a title to Sun Lounger Thoughts part 5? How hard was that!
Floating in Space is a novel set in 1970’s Manchester. Buy the book today by clicking here!